Rachel Schmidt, Spiritual Life Coach >>> P.O. Box 56062 Washington D.C. 20040 >>> firstname.lastname@example.org
Lately I’ve been noticing something about myself I don’t like. There’s this unfortunate jealousy that comes up when I see a woman have what I want. Instead of awe and appreciation, I feel and think, “Oh, there’s someone who already has/does that thing I want. Who am I to have/do that too?” I’m not down with this reaction; it doesn’t make me feel good, and it doesn't align with my values. Instead of feeling ashamed for having this thought, I embrace this as an opportunity to grow, change, and choose happiness.
The first step of change is to become aware of the problem that is stifling growth and to witness this pattern without judgment. It is a beautiful thing that I am recognizing this negative story, because I now have the opportunity to choose a new, positive one. It’s not easy to see our own dysfunctional behaviors, because it’s painful. But you can’t clean up the mess if you don’t know there’s a mess! I give myself mad love and respect for being willing to observe the clutter of my brain.
Dating suuuucksss. At least, that’s how I’ve been feeling about it lately, and I know that I’m not alone in that. I’ve been contemplating some ways to make it suck it a little less for myself and hopefully for you too.
To begin with, I’m proud of myself for trying. Searching for a partner is a very vulnerable, emotionally difficult thing, and I give myself mad props for being willing to get out there. The most difficult part of dating is having this desire for love and intimacy but having no control over the many variables that factor into finding a good partner. It’s a big ask of the Universe to bring this kind of connection, and it’s an unnameable mystery to find it.
There’s something weirdly uncomfortable about the experience of desire, and it’s much deeper than a want or a need. Desire is this intense, hyper awareness that you don’t have something that would be really beautiful to have and experience. Sarah Jarosz’s song Fuel the Fire explains it perfectly, “Let fulfillment fuel the fire>>>hide the emptiness inside>>>we all cover up desire>>>learn to face it with our pride.”
I forget. I return. I forget. I come back.
I just meditated, and now I’m starting to write. I feel buzzy and lovely and good at the moment, but there are so many times that I forget how good I am. I don’t even want to say the words, but those times I feel mucky, yucky, and overwhelmed. I get confused and don’t know where I’m going in life. But right now, after a utilizing the tool of meditation I feel connected and tuned-in to the love within me.